Chapter 1
Rustproof
I've done a lot of thinking over the years. I think most folks believe that I spend too much time inside my own head but I like to think. I enjoy it. It's a place of learning. I think about many things but of late, especially in the past week or so, I've had cause to think a lot about myself and the things that have happened in my life. Not that I don't think about my life anyway but new things have been happening of late, a couple of which I felt would never happen.
I'm pretty open and free about most of my thoughts, feelings and experiences, my life, whether I speak it or write it but this ... this writing out my whole life story feels like the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. I'm not really sure why I can't seem to do it and I have tried many times. It seems somehow important that I do, though I don't know why and I don't know for whom. I could put it in a book and sell it and make lots of money from it but that never felt right to me, regardless of what some others might think.
My life, my experiences, they're not for sale. They are me. They are who I am and to receive money for the telling of it doesn't feel right at all. It's at complete odds with who I am. My experiences should be shared with any who mght be interested, openly and freely. They are for teaching, learning and, I hope, helping. My life is not a business for the making of profit. I am already rich beyond reckoning.
Neen
12th December 2007
Chapter 2
Amazing
I have often been called enlightened by others and sometimes they ask me how I “became so enlightened”. Honestly, I don’t think I am enlightened. I know some stuff but there is so much more yet that I don’t know. I said once that for every one thing that you learn there are ten thousand more yet to learn. That’s what my life is about. Trying to learn as much as I can. Although sometimes it feels like there’s too much learning for just one person I like learning. It’s fun and the whole world is my classroom. My favourite subject is people and, not only how they interact with each other, but how they interact with themselves. I find everything to learn fascinating but that is the most fascinating of all and it includes me too.
Humans are such amazing creatures. So unaware of how truly beautiful they are, even those who preen themselves in front of a mirror, spurred on by their egos. They’re stunning in their beauty and yet most of them have no idea and they come in all kinds of shapes and sizes. Some fat, some skinny, short, tall, in-between, skinny with big bottoms, fat with flat bottoms, large bottoms and no breasts or vice-versa, long faces, round faces, big ears, no lips, fat lips, dark skin, light skin, thin hair, soft down-like hair on their cheeks, bald, big feet, little feet, narrow eyes, low foreheads, wide hips … and they come in more variations and combinations than you can poke a stick at. An even longer list is the person inside … some are good people, some are bad people, most are in between somewhere. Some are aggressive, some are misguided, some are confident, others are not, some don’t care, some do care, some are selfish, others give too much and others just don’t get it … and they come in more combinations and variations than what you can find on the outside. The upsets, the joys, the highs, the lows and the in-betweens … how could you not be fascinated by it all?
And each and every one of them has a story to tell. Some more exciting than others but each and every one no more or less important than the next. My story, which I am to relate, may seem to be one of those more exciting stories but my hope is that those who choose to read it will use it instead to learn. The usual reaction I get from those I tell is that they feel bad for me and they marvel at how well I have coped. For some few I have become as a kind of hero. I was even hero-worshipped once - an altogether unpleasant experience. And then there are those who believe that, for some reason or other, their lives are less important than mine!!! A concept which bothers me. The human ability to empathise with another is a wonderful gift. One that I appreciate but for those who might be tempted only to any of these reactions I encourage you to see beyond them. I am rich beyond reckoning.
Although I like understanding I don’t tell my story for sympathy. I tell it because I believe that if I can help just one other person then everything I have survived was worth it. If just one person can come to know their own self and inner beauty the way I know my own then my life has fulfilled it's purpose. Take what you will from my experiences and use it to find your own beauty. Use it to find your own inner strength, to change what you do not like about yourself and keep what you do like, accept yourself, warts and all, and find the path to the beauty that I and others can see in you.
